Why I'm Not a Rock Star Part 1: DRINKING

(or why Rickie Lee Jones and Macy Gray were has-beens before they were beens)

I should probably save this until the end, when I've gotten you all relaxed, and then we can go back to my place and have a nice bottle of Merlot and...

Wrong subject, sorry. Being single is warping my head a bit.

There are four professions that require you to hang out in bars a lot: Musician, comedian, prostitute, bartender. I've held two of those jobs, and no fair asking which two. There's waiting and boredom attached to each, but with the performers, there's also an adrenalin rush that does not go away with the end of the set or sex act (bartenders get a lot). Many bars also comp drinks to the performers before they go on and during the set. There's one place I play every week where they know I don't drink, but they still comp my drinks in case I change my mind. I finally got them to comp my soda.

You see all these people out there having a good time, and why not join them? Boredom and nerves waiting to go on, then the performance flies by and the buzz doesn't wear off right away. If you're a decent musician and did a good set, you will not have to pay for a drink all night. The thing that we don't process is that this is probably the one night the people out there have been out in a week or a month or six months, and you've got three more shows to do that week alone.

Oh, did I happen to mention that most of us were nerds in high school? No? How do you think we had all that time to practice while you were off having fun and doing stuff? We want to be liked. Any musician who is any good is either living entirely in their own heads (maybe half) or screaming to the world, "Please! Pay attention to me!" (the other half).

I used to drink, and it became so integrated into how I approached music, that when I quit I worried that I could never be truly creative again. But those who are screaming for people to pay attention make asshole drunks. I know, 'cause I was one of them, and so was my music partner, and so are a lot of the others I see when I'm out.

I quit drinking entirely, and though still an asshole deep inside, though still screaming for someone, anyone to pay attention, those thoughts only come out in lyric form. I've also seen many an alcoholic musician who could never face going back into the bars. I had commitments when I quit. As terrifying as they were, I kept them, so it was something of a forced landing. Now I find I like being able to remember shows. The only drawback is that people try to buy me drinks all the time, and many have gotten offended that I just ask for a diet cola (no ice).

It was only near the end that I drank every day. Lots of people say that is the test of being an alcoholic, if you can go days or weeks without drinking. The real test is whether you get drunk WHEN ALCOHOL IS AVAILABLE. If someone offers you a drink and you don't ever just say, "No, thank you," (Nancy Reagan was rude), then that is a problem.

A good test: http://alcoholism.about.com/od/tests/l/blquiz_alcohol.htm

I was talking to John Lombardo--formerly of 10,000 Maniacs--about this earlier last week, and told him I'm doing this one first. He suggested all I really need to say is, "No one would take a haircut from a drunken barber, why would anyone take a show from a drunken musician?"

I didn't really want to start with a serious tone, but this is a subject that I have a bit of trouble joking about. I ruined a lot around me, and some of the scars still haven't healed over. Yet I started with it because it is the most important.

Second most important is SHOWING UP EVERYWHERE, which I'll cover next time.

Why I'm Not a Rock Star part 0 of many

So I finish the pre-demo demos, and all of a sudden I disappear from the net. Well, not quite. I have been busy doing that other thing I'm supposed to do: write stuff that doesn't rhyme and takes up over three hundred pages.

Oh, and I'm pulling the song "Communications" from the set. I never really liked it, and it never quite gelled, but that's my opinion, and part of it comes from not caring about the subject matter anymore. I've written a song that blows it away. I will record soon.

To help at least part of my music mind stay sharp, however, I've decided to do a bunch of short pieces--maybe funny, maybe not--called "Why I'm Not a Rock Star". It doesn't bother me that I'm not (yes it does), but I know a couple of people in their early 30s who should be stars, and maybe the benefit of my own hindsight will help. I know, I know, but I love them both and I have to try.

Slight update a month later:
1) So far (I'm writing this update just after writing part 2) I'm not going humorous, but more trying to write my music career straight.-up.

2) While I said a couple of people in their early 30s, one is much younger than I thought. Were this a sitcom, the misunderstanding would have gotten lots of jokes and been nominated for an Emmy, but it real life it caused some difficulty between us. (It's now thankfully resolved by her reaching out first, and me apologizing for being an asshole. 94.68% of the problem was my fault.)

3) Turns out I'm writing these for her anyway, and not for both my friends. The other thinks I'm preaching at him, which was not my intent.

4) Lastly, it turns out I have no special insight to give. Nothing has knocked me off my high horse more than trying to write honest autobiography.