Santorum: Parking Meters "Satan's Collection Plates"

In a startling press conference, former Senator Rick Santorum has called parking meters "Satan's collection plates". The claim was made that parking meters are only found in cities, which is also where the majority of colleges in this country are located. "Therefore by the mass transitive property," he said, "it's either pay up to the Satanic dark lord, or be forced into such liberal activities as taking the bus or even walking. Michelle Obama has advocated walking, and we all know she wants to run our lives. In fact, she wants us all to run for our lives." In point of fact, the First Lady has said we should be active for at least a half an hour a day, including running. Previously, Senator Santorum has said, "That's eight minutes, five times a day [sic], and you know what activity she means. Seriously, you don't? You know, a prayer rug, bowing... C'mon people, this is code. You should know it by now." Some of the traveling press corps have speculated that his high poll numbers may be an actual sign of diminishing educational standards in this country. But, as Santorum has said, people who learn stuff are "snobs".